Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
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I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
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Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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