come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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