did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
the raccoons are back...
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