Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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