In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
