nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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