The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
