I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
