I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
