I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
it was like eating out sand paper
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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