Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
