dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
