he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
