Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
