and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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