Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
