ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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