So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
