I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
