I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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