i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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