I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
