I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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