I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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