My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
