just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
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there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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