Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
