Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
