I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
