the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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