This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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