I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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