My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
