walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
