And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my mouth tastes like poor choices
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
