I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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