I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
