remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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