I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We're too hungover to prance.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
