grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
