i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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