Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
