you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
