You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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