It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
