This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
