If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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