I wish I could teleport
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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