I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
