so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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