i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
