Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
