i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
