What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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