My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Randomize
